This year marks my first Father’s Day and my dad’s 43rd! He wasn’t always perfect, but he was perfectly committed to the position and still is. Thank you, Dad, for everything, and then some. To celebrate, here are some great memories from the last four decades.

My dad was a three-tour vietnam vet. So of course my first memories of him involve looming over me in reprimand as I lay in my crib. To be fair, I deserved it, having thrown my toddler riding toy bike at my parents. I tended to get carried away as a kid.

Growing up in Mexico for many years, my dad’s sport of choice was “futbol”. He shared that love with me many Sundays over the years, teaching me that no matter how good you are at something, there’s always someone better. Until you get big enough and he gets old enough to finally realize you’re wearing him out and it’s time to hang up the cleats. Of course, I’m sure he could still dribble circles around me.

Dad’s devotion to my mom is epic and legendary. While she may have found it annoying that he always deferred to her choice every time we ate out, that same commitment to her happiness and well being serves her very well today.

Dad was always handier with people than things. Decades in car sales have given him a thick book filled with testimonials of his talent for helping people find their own happiness. These days, he’s still trying to figure out his iPhone. In the 80’s, the confounding machine was an unlit furnace that burned off his eyebrows. He doesn’t always handle technology well, but he’s never afraid to keep trying.

I get my work ethic from my dad. He never went very long without a job, whether it was managing shipping companies, delivering pizzas, or working for a chiropractor. (I can still remember the shelving units he built for the doc. In spite of my earlier assessment, he wasn’t that bad with things, either.) He didn’t even get into his current career of car sales until I was thirteen. Yet he never stopped working and doing and trying to provide for his kids and wife.

I rarely “suit up”. I’m more comfortable in jeans and a flannel. I can remember several pictures from the 70’s of my dad sharply dressed in a 3-piece suit. As a kid, Dad kept trying to keep me dressed up. I spent the first three years of high school dressed, as one classmate put it, like something out of a JCPenney catalog. He’s still known as a sharp-dressed man who can rock a fedora any day of the week. We may not have the same fashion sense, but Dad taught me how to iron my own shirts, and to always take pride in my appearance.

Some people thought my dad was too strict. Others thought he was surprisingly lenient. My dad spanked me plenty growing up. He and mom also tried groundings, exercises, writing assignments, and many a stern talking-to. I never felt abused in any way. Even at my most difficult moments during my teen years, I still felt my dad loved me.

Growing up, we moved around. A LOT. When I was 17, mom and dad did some math and figured we’d already moved 34 times. One time in the 70’s we moved into a new apartment and within weeks we were back at our old apartment. That one was totally my fault, but Dad never held a grudge. Through all those moves, he taught me resourcefulness and endurance. Because of this, I “tetris” a moving truck better than anyone I know. I also can handle heat-of-summer and dead-of-winter moves like a pro. All that moving also helped my dad foster in me his same skill with people. I learned how to make friends quickly, and to adapt well to ever-changing circumstances.

Dad always kept it together. There was a moment in seventh grade where my dad was the absolute coolest man on the planet, my super-hero and super-spy. This one takes a little setup. We were renting a house in Homer Glen. We started to have troubles with the landlord and decided to move. Creepy landlord started stalking the house. We loaded up a batch of belongings to take to the new place and he began following us as we drove away. So dad drove straight to the police station in town. We got a police escort out of the house and we never saw that guy again. I still smile when I remember the brilliance of that plan.

I have tons more old memories; too many to share here. He taught me to prefer a well-chopped salad, to not see race, to respect gender and age, to never be afraid to sweat, and to be willing to do whatever it takes to keep your family housed, clothed and fed. Most of all, he showed by example that love is actions and not just words.

So, on this Father’s Day, 2014, I look back to the amazing example that is my Dad, and I look forward to hoping I’m half as good at the job myself. Happy Father’s Day, Dad! I love you!

The Case For Tipping, And Gasp! Against It: A Point/Counterpoint.

The “Case Against…” makes a good point about the idea that gratuity should be earned. I would counter-argue, that if it’s not being earned, you won’t send that message clearly unless you inform management. It’s a pay-it-forward scenario that may collectively improve the industry. If management is unsympathetic, the issue is a bigger one with the overall culture of the establishment. They better have really good wings if you continue to patronize them in spite of the lackluster service.

The “Case For…” is filled with a lot of stereotypical behavior at stereotypical establishments. Not all places are like this. For example, I can’t count on one hand the number of times a chef has yelled at me. I also find this case to be emotional and over the top. There are much better ways to make this argument without “yelling” at the reader.

So, once again, this feels like sensationalism, rather than an honest discussion of a tradition that in entrenched in our society, but may be heading toward an overhaul. Until it does, I’ll keep doing my best to be a great server, and I hope my guests appreciate this. Enjoy!

“7. Coupons, rewards, gift certificates, sales, and other discounts, do not impact my service.”

This one is a big one. People really seem to have a hard time with this. So let me clarify.

Gratuity is based on the pre-tax, pre-discount bill.

These days, it seems everyone is looking to save big. They’re looking high and low for a deal, a bargain, a great buy, etcetera. In today’s economy, we all want to save money. Thanks to places like Groupon, Restaurants.com, and the myriad of reward programs out there trying to clutter our wallets and purses with reward cards, it’s easy to find ways to lower your bill every time you dine out.

This is a good thing. Because it means an increase in people trying new places, and often that leads to, as I heard it at work once, “butts in seats on a Monday night.” I’m all for getting a good value, and I encourage people to look for ways to save money. For the establishments that offer such incentives, the short term revenue loss is far more than offset by the long term revenue gain.

However, people seem clueless to the fact that all these savings come from the business, not the server. The discounts are on the goods, not the services. When you bring in a 25% off coupon, you’ll pay for 75% of everything that is included in the price of the food. However, your server will still provide 100% of the service of a normal meal. So your tip should reflect that.

Sometimes, this will even include special promotions or club perks that may not be reflected on the bill. For example, if the server brought you the free birthday dessert, you won’t see that on the bill. However, the server still gave 100% of the effort to bring you that free sundae for your special day. So take that into account when you’re calculating your gratitude.

In the end, it’s really simple. If the restaurant charged you only $50 for a $100 meal, your server still gave you $100 worth of service. Give them $100 worth of your thanks and you’ll be sure to experience that same level of service again and again. Enjoy!

“6. The alternative to gratuity is restaurants who pay those who serve a livable wage.”

There are a number of food service business models where tipping is not expected. There isn’t a single means to acquire ready-to-eat food that doesn’t require some sort of guest/employee interaction, outside of perhaps vending machines and self-checkout lanes at the grocery store. Whether it’s a fast food cashier, a convenience store clerk, a delivery driver, and so on, there are many ways you can get prepared food handed to you, and you are either not required to tip, or the tip is not the “server’s” primary wage. These roles are incentivized in other ways than gratuity to encourage these servers to care about their customers or guests. Generally, the impact of these servers is minimal compared to the experiences enjoyed in the environment of a sit-down restaurant or other eatery.

There is a bigger picture at play when discussing these alternate models in regards to how the servers impact the success of the business and how the business provides for the servers. Rather than each server’s individual success with the guests, the overall experience at the establishment is what takes money from the guests’ wallets to pay the servers. Recently, the request for gratuity has begun to pop up in businesses not traditionally known for expecting it, as advocates of good manners have encouraged tipping all who serve the public. Starbucks baristas, for example, have become more reliant on this “bonus”, when it’s available, yet it is still a bonus above and beyond their primary wages. Overall, these and many other types of service do not look directly to you, as the guest/customer, to pay their wages.

In the traditional roles of waiter/waitress, and to a lesser degree, bartender, gratuity is the main source of income. The practice of tipping can be traced back to Tudor England of the 1700s, and gratuity in some form back to at least the 1500s. Tipping became prevalent in the US around the time of Prohibition. In modern times, thousands of restaurants rely on this business model every day. These businesses rely on gratuity to remove the cost of server wages from the prices on the menu. Whether you’re getting a $2 breakfast at Denny’s, or a $40 steak at Morton’s, you pay less than you would if those restaurants could not rely on your gratuity to pay your server.

In many parts of Europe, a different model is in play. In some countries, expected gratuity is considerably less, or even discouraged. At the fanciest restaurants, servers are rockstars, paid well for their skill and attention to detail, and those costs are passed on to the patrons. Here, the server is highly regarded, and their skill and attention to detail are considered as critical to the success of the establishment as the chef’s. Some restaurants in America and experimenting with this model, as I pointed out in this earlier post. Having spoken to a few Europeans from Germany, the UK, and Sweden on this subject, I’ve learned that this alternative to tipping can often have the opposite desired effect. The lack of incentive can lead to poor service and poor server attitudes.

I was raised to be a passionate giver. I’m wired to thrive on the joy of giving. I know I would do well in an environment where gratuity was taken out of the equation, because my guests’ satisfaction, and a livable wage, would be sufficient to keep me doing my best, without fear that other staff could negatively impact my income. I’m also well aware of the fact that not enough people feel as I do. With all the other reasons in play that lead people to the service profession, the ROI between server labor and guest gratuity is critical to ensuring a quality experience for all involved. Just as the servers who rely on tips are responsible for earning a fair gratuity, guests/customers are responsible for paying in kind. So long as this business model exists, the expectations and responsiblities are clear. It only works for everyone involved if everyone does their part. Enjoy!

“5. No one else in the restaurant is as dependent on your enjoyment.”

I had been discussing with my wife recently about my history with pure commission sales. I never really thought I could make it as a salesman. She pointed out that I’m basically making strictly commissions as a server. She’s right. After all, my hourly wage is primarily provided to ensure I don’t have to give my employers money for taxes and other benefits out of my tips. So nearly my entire income comes directly from the people who sit in my section and let me entertain them.

When people go to a restaurant where they will be served, they generally expect to enjoy the meal more than if they’d opted to fend for themselves. If they are with friends or family, they want to share the experience. If they are alone, they didn’t want to be, entirely. No matter how many are at the table, each and every guest is hoping for an enjoyable meal. The responsibility for that hope is placed primarily on the shoulders of the server. It is my job to fulfill that hope for each and every guest. Should any member of the staff dash their hopes through failure, the brunt of their disappointment falls on me. Even the most understanding of individuals will still see me as the source of the failure. If a guest fails to enjoy their visit, I take the hit.

What exactly, then, am I getting paid for? My knowledge, my experience, my attitude, my talent, and my commitment to service seem to be the most obvious reasons. No matter how frequently a guest visits, no matter how well they know the menu, they still need me to know it better. A guest wants me to be able to handle hot plates, and cold drinks, deftly, and quickly. They want a positive demeanor, and an empathy strong enough to know when humor, or humility is required. Their server should be able to look poised and polished, whether it’s Monday afternoon, or Saturday night. Above all, I should be treating them like they are my only guests, even if everyone involved is mature enough to realize that’s not the case.

Each time I greet a guest, I’m taking responsibility for their enjoyment. I’m selling the idea that they are going to have a good time, and my success is dependent on how well I can deliver on that promise. My guests cannot dock the pay of the cook who provides a medium steak when they wanted medium rare. They cannot charge their meal to the unruly guests at the table next to them. The dishwashers won’t lose hours because of a dirty dish that makes it to the table. More than any other position in the restaurant, the server needs the highest possible percentage of the guests to be happy, so that their gratitude is shown in their gratuity.

Some servers are fully committed to this truth. Some are not. The ones who aren’t shouldn’t be in this business. If you get the privilege to be served by one who is, you should encourage their efforts. After all, they simply want to you to do what I ask of you at the end of every post, whether it’s your next meal, or the rest of your life. Enjoy!

“4. My role as a server is essential to the guest experience.”

There are many ways to enjoy a meal. You can cook it yourself at home. You can visit a friend and let them cook, or eat a meal cooked for you by a loved one. You can visit any number of different types of restaurants where food is simply provided for you to consume on your own, such as fast food establishments or buffets. You can purchase food in various stages of preparation to consume on your own, such as convenience stores or vending machines.

However, if you want to eat well, and easily, with little effort and great reward, you may make the choice to let someone serve you. That person might be your spouse, cooking up a nice dinner after you’ve had a hard day at work. It might be a grandparent, hosting a holiday meal. Or it might be a stranger who’s chosen to accept the title of “server” as their chosen profession.

A good professional server enhances every aspect of the meal and allows you to focus on your enjoyment. He or she brings knowledge, to guide you through the process of selecting your food. A server handles the labor of placing the food before you, and cleaning up after you. The server communicates to the chefs and cooks any requests you may have to enhance your meal, specific to your preferences, and takes responsibility for your health and well-being when you make him/her aware of your allergies, or other dietary restrictions. In some cases, a server even moves beyond the meal to interact with you on a social level, providing good conversation, and a degree of entertainment, as the circumstances present themselves. Great servers elevate the meal to an experience, and help make it memorable.

Without these services provided by another human being, be it a loved one, friend, or stranger, every meal would be one of life’s many labors, a chore of daily self preservation, like sleeping, or bathing. At best, each meal we would make for ourselves would be enjoyed alone and forgotten.

When a person makes themselves available to serve you, they are giving moments of their lives to help you enjoy some of your own . More often than not, when a meal is enjoyed and remembered, a server of some sort was involved. The next time you choose to be the guest of an establishment and enjoy the attention of a server, try to remember how precious their time is, and how much they care about yours. Enjoy!

“3. My primary source of income is the gratitude of my guests, specifically in the form of monetary compensation, for the time I spend with them.”

Generally, unless one has been a server, one doesn’t fully appreciate the challenges a server faces, monetarily. Our primary income is our tips. How we get paid beyond that varies from state to state. I’ve only ever served in Illinois, so I can only speak to that. My current, hourly wage is less than $5. I almost never earn a paycheck, even when I work 39.99 hours in a week. (Anything above 32.5 is considered full time where I work. Management obsesses over avoiding overtime.) I do average a modestly livable amount each week, but it’s extremely difficult to budget to that average, because of all the factors I can’t control, such as weather, the economy, the seasons, and popular distractions such as sporting events, or religious holidays.

The one thing I can control, to a degree, is how hard I work to earn a guest’s gratitude. I say, “to a degree”, because of all the factors that govern the level of gratitude a guest can or will show in exchange. I know I can’t control spite, disappointment, inattentiveness, forgetfulness, or any other factor that originates outside my circle of influence. Some guests may not care about me. They may hold me responsible for something or someone who let them down during the course of their visit. They may not be paying attention to the bill, or their level of inebriation. They may have forgotten some resource or responsibility that limits their available funds. The factors are so many, that I often mentally assign any number of innocent possibilities to a poor tip to assuage the sting.

The main takeaway of this truth is a simple one. Servers depend on you. No one else is giving them the resources to clothe, shelter, and feed themselves or their loved ones. You rely on them for a lively experience. They rely on you for their livelihood. Make sure the exchange is a fair one; their time for your money. Enjoy!